watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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