I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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