Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
