You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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