Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
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