I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
