I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
