I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
