Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
