She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
