I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize