I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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