Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
