I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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