Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
