I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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