The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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