i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
