if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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