you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
