We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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