She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
