How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
