If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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