you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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