ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
