there's paper in my vomit.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
