The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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