no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
