dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
