alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
