is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
