I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
