We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
