Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
