i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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