I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
