his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
