wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
