sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
