Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
