last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
