But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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