it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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