Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize