If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
