come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
