I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
