I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
