Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
