If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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