She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
