I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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