You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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