I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I sprained my soul last night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
