Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
