I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
