We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
