you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
