I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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