dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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