Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
