it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
