I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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