My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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