That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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