do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When are your genitals available?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
