go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
