Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
