A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
barbara walters just said penis...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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