Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize